Tag Archives: world ending

On fragility

wheelchair
via Percy DeSaint

I get the call finally. I am with some one I like. I am enjoying the company. I am enjoying the bliss of not knowing. I enjoying the getting to knowing. In one early morning phone call, with the simple words, it all shifts to not meaning a thing.

May never walk again.

It is those four words you don’t ever really think about except in the context of the nightly news horror show and tragic car accidents. In bite size news snippets that bear no relevance to your life at all. But the anxiety, the dread, the sheer terror of losing mobility, you don’t quite think about it?

But now, I do. Every damn day.

I think about what it means to be hobbled, to be maimed and the powerlessness that must come from the loss of autonomy, of freedom. The buzz of the hospital tubes, the steady hum of nurses chatter are now the background sounds to the conversations I have with my father and form the distracting hum of low level anxiety to my every day. The flow of thoughts of how my mother must be feeling. I am sure caretaker was not high on her list of retirement dreams. My brother, stoic and leaking tears at once, resigned to learning how to help my father take care of his every day tasks, now rendered laborious. It’s hard to brush your teeth with your wrong hand when your right one is still numb and immobile. Try it. I did. I can’t brush my teeth with my wrong hand. Then I feel guilty because I have the choice.

The arbitrariness of tragedy and personal loss is really arresting. It comes in no ways and in all ways at once. It exacerbates the insecurities we already have, heightens the loneliness we feel and exaggerates our alienation. In a simple phrase to match those words, it sucks. All i can do is trudge on knowing that the shock and grief will pass, that my love hasn’t changed and I will re-find my purpose. My compass feels slightly off true north right now, but in time, given time, I know it will reset. The test is patients. So say it lightly, let me down easy, make way and take care. I am not asking for much and yet, so very much.

a word to be added

“apophenia is the appearance of meaningful connections or patterns in random or unconnected pieces of information”

all of mine seem to be phantoms

the warm green of the walls

hearts

The sun is streaming in through the your window. Not that I would know if sun actually streams through your window, but its of no importance, I just feel the sun pouring over us. We are laying side by side on your bed. On top of the covers because the air is warm and steamy like it is in late July. We are talking to one and other.

You say to me, “I am glad that we waited. Its been so nice to enjoy the empty city streets with you. To walk uninhibited and laugh out loud.” I ask you what time the shuttle leaves. “We have a few hours yet.”

We settle in, holding hands. “I can’t believe we are on the last one. The last shuttle from Earth.”

You tell me that our time here is over. I tell you that i am so glad that we have these tickets. You squeeze my hand. We just wanted to spend as much time as we could, here, together, before it was over. Drinking up the last seconds of the torpid air and languid sunlight.

RIP sweetest gentleman cat

kitty-leo

Leo – 04/02/2009

i just threw up in my mouth alittle

this is just so wrong on so many levels. that this quote pretty much sums it up with an eloquence i was too disgusted to summon:

that Killers cover of Bright Eyes is like serving a Turd Sandwich w/ cold Bland-Sauce — hungryghoast

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