Tag Archives: truth

now that we’ve won, here’s what we should do

Calling all likely mildly to severely hung over left leaning liberals and  libertarians. We’ve won another four more years to bring this country to it’s knees and ruin everything, just like the right thinks that we will. Let’s all go to hell in a hand basket!

It’s already started, gay marriage in 2 states, legalized recreational marijuana in 2 states and more women representatives in government than ever. Who do these ladies think they are any way, they belong behind an oven not a podium. Am I right? All those hormones are going to make them all go crazy once a month and who knows what that will do the laws. What’s next? Dogs in the house of representatives?

An gay marriage! What’s next? A guy marrying a dog? That’s totally what’s next.

I, for one, raise my rye based cocktail to a rousing toast to bring this country down with social progression and equal rights. Today, I say, the right can suck it!

The hurricane week in a nifty infographic!

We were lucky in Brooklyn. For once, the choice to move out of Manhattan was looked on with envy. As soon as the power is back, I am sure that the East Village will go back to lording it over Brooklynites tout de suite.

In my neighborhood, and many in Brooklyn, it was business as usual for the most part. Here’s what most of us were doing.

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what does your captcha say about you

 

So what if I have a shy bladder

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I once heard about this Japanese toilet for lades that had buttons to play both soothing and distracting sounds to cover up the sound of their urinating. I thought to myself, “Oh my God! How can I get my hands on one of these or at least a machine that can distract me from the fact that I am pissing mere inches from another person!”

I’ve always had a shy bladder. A wallflower of a piss pot. A shrinking violet at the urination ball. When I would go camping with my family, instead of peeing in the woods right next to the tent like a real outdoorsman, I had to bundle up and trek the 12 minute walk in the pitch dark to the toilets at the camp ground. 12 minutes in the dark for a 12 year old girl who has read far too much Encyclopedia Brown is a long damn time. It’s always been something of a challenge for me to relax that way.

I’m not exaggerating. When 9/11 happened, my reaction to it was to have a panic attack that manifested itself with me not being able to evacuate my bladder for almost a full day. I tried everything, running water, taking a warm bath, thinking of the ocean, listening to Billy Ocean. Nothing worked. I had to have my friends take me to the emergency room, fully thinking that I would have to get a catheter. Instead, I got into the exam room, the pain starting to spread up to my kidneys, and I finally was able to let it go. All over myself.

So, when I moved to New York, one of the first bars that I went is the now defunct Mars Bar. This bar had a bathroom so gross that if you touched anything you’d end up with Hepatitis C. I knew, KNEW, that I had to figure out how to get over this AND learn how to piss standing up. I am pretty sure that the only reason that all New York women take yoga is so that they get good at squatting to piss. There are far better ways to stay in shape without having to do something called the downward dog in public. I didn’t take yoga but I learned how to relax and piss standing up.

My shy bladder is now the bell of the pissing ball. I’ve peed at the top of a seven story abandoned radio tower in Berlin, in the fake planter of an office complex at 4am, in the woods of Prospect Park, in an alley on the South Side of Chicago. I guess I owe New York City that. It literally scared the piss out of me.

so the final debate is tonight, here’s the ten things you should be doing

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I’m going to get you bear.

Here’s somethings you should be doing either during, instead of or could do at anytime really.

1. Rooting for the underdog! That means Ron Paul! You know that you should just write him in as a candidate. Him as president would just be the tits. He’s like an ersatz Ross Perot.

2. Keep an eye out for the key that winds up MItt Romney. People say that he’s a robot. I think it’s more sinister and more old-timey than that. He’s just clockwork with 2 settings, smarmy and smug.

3. Kicking any one in the crotch who says that they are still undecided. Seriously, at this point, if you haven’t made up your goddamned mind you deserve to get kicked in the taint.

4. Ask about Obama’s birth certificate, again! It’s never too early to bring back 2008!

5. Show your tits (if you have them) every time either one of the candidates dodges a question. Why not treat the debate like Mardi Gras? Then every one gets a treat!

6. Pretend to be undecided. Watch your liberal New York friends have heart attacks as they try to swing your vote.

7. Wish that swing state was an actual physical state that you could be in. For me it would be being on the best tire swing, eating Cool Ranch Doritos, and then going through the car wash not in a car.

8. Get some fucking sleep. You need it more than these guys need the ratings bump.

9. Imagine both candidates with Rachel Maddow’s haircut and try not to snarf your gin and tonic out your nose. Which leads me to number…

10. Drink like there is no tomorrow! I’m pretty sure that the Mayan’s were right and the world is over this year so who cares if you roll into work hung over on Tuesday. Your boss probably, but if Romney wins you better get used to hiding your hangovers because booze is going to be the only way to get through these next grim, regressive four years.