Tag Archives: politics

now that we’ve won, here’s what we should do

Calling all likely mildly to severely hung over left leaning liberals and  libertarians. We’ve won another four more years to bring this country to it’s knees and ruin everything, just like the right thinks that we will. Let’s all go to hell in a hand basket!

It’s already started, gay marriage in 2 states, legalized recreational marijuana in 2 states and more women representatives in government than ever. Who do these ladies think they are any way, they belong behind an oven not a podium. Am I right? All those hormones are going to make them all go crazy once a month and who knows what that will do the laws. What’s next? Dogs in the house of representatives?

An gay marriage! What’s next? A guy marrying a dog? That’s totally what’s next.

I, for one, raise my rye based cocktail to a rousing toast to bring this country down with social progression and equal rights. Today, I say, the right can suck it!

preparing for the worst on the eve of the election

No matter what happens tomorrow night and on into Wednesday morning, some one in this country is waking up with a hang over and disappointed. Yes, that’s probably me. If Obama loses, then I will be disappointed about that. If he wins, well then it will just be business as usual and I will be disappointed in my life choices.

If I think too hard about the election and tenuous lead Obama has in the polls, my shoulders get so tense they block my ears, which has the added benefit of blocking out right wing punditry from me ears along with every other sound. It just winds me up to think about hypocrites. I am one sometimes, we all are. But the fundamental hypocrisy of wanting to limit the federal government but then wanting the federal government to control personal choices and behavior,  same sex marriage, abortion and what color I dye my pubic hair, just drives me up a wall to Canada. I’d say vote in your best interests, folks!

We are so divided as a country right now, it’s hard for me to see a way to any one’s full happiness either way. My Dad constantly votes against “wellfare queens” yet gets all of his healthcare through Medicaid and the VA, programs that will suffer under a Romney administration. But years of trying to reason with him haven’t done shit. I just give up and never ever bring it, EVER. The only plus to a Romney win, would be that I wouldn’t have to laugh uncomfortably at his racist Obama jokes any more. I love you, Dad!

As the polls roll in, I’m going to be toasting my friends, who will be there to help me through the next 4 years, no matter what the outcome. We will be playing the “Popular Vote Drinking Game” where you take 4 shots every time the popular vote mismatches the electoral vote. This is all of the time.

Duck and cover everyone!

so the final debate is tonight, here’s the ten things you should be doing

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I’m going to get you bear.

Here’s somethings you should be doing either during, instead of or could do at anytime really.

1. Rooting for the underdog! That means Ron Paul! You know that you should just write him in as a candidate. Him as president would just be the tits. He’s like an ersatz Ross Perot.

2. Keep an eye out for the key that winds up MItt Romney. People say that he’s a robot. I think it’s more sinister and more old-timey than that. He’s just clockwork with 2 settings, smarmy and smug.

3. Kicking any one in the crotch who says that they are still undecided. Seriously, at this point, if you haven’t made up your goddamned mind you deserve to get kicked in the taint.

4. Ask about Obama’s birth certificate, again! It’s never too early to bring back 2008!

5. Show your tits (if you have them) every time either one of the candidates dodges a question. Why not treat the debate like Mardi Gras? Then every one gets a treat!

6. Pretend to be undecided. Watch your liberal New York friends have heart attacks as they try to swing your vote.

7. Wish that swing state was an actual physical state that you could be in. For me it would be being on the best tire swing, eating Cool Ranch Doritos, and then going through the car wash not in a car.

8. Get some fucking sleep. You need it more than these guys need the ratings bump.

9. Imagine both candidates with Rachel Maddow’s haircut and try not to snarf your gin and tonic out your nose. Which leads me to number…

10. Drink like there is no tomorrow! I’m pretty sure that the Mayan’s were right and the world is over this year so who cares if you roll into work hung over on Tuesday. Your boss probably, but if Romney wins you better get used to hiding your hangovers because booze is going to be the only way to get through these next grim, regressive four years.

my thoughts on the debate last night

Smug is Mitt Romney’s resting face.

Last nights debate played out like an 80′s teen movie, but where the preppy guy ends up getting the girl! Not fair! I almost expected Romney’s collar to jauntily pop at the end.

And that awkward meeting of the families! Of course Obama wasn’t about to have his girls part of that weird ass public party. How were the Obamas supposed to go home and have anniversary sex after that?

And I am disappointed that none of my predictions came true. But so glad that I had my drinking game! We killed it with G&T’s and yelling at the TeeVee.

 

10 things I pray happen at the Presidential Debate tonight

1. They are haunted by candidates past.
Herman Caine shows up with stacks of pizza and accusations of liberal brainwashing. Michelle Bachman pops up from behind Mitt Romney to shoot lasers out of her crazy eyes. Hillary Clinton – Obama is haunted by her every day and she’ll just be there stoically biding her time for 2016.

2. Obama says “Ah” enough times for a satisfactory drinking game.
The rules to the game are: take a shot each time he utters, “Ah”, “Erm”, or “Uh” and 2 shots when Romney looks itchy in his own skin.

3. Romney tries to smile in ernest and his face cracks open revealing that his just armature being run by a race of tiny elves! Hail elven overlords! They all look like Will Ferrell.

4. Obama pulls out a dashiki and a congo drums and yells, “PSEEEEYYYYYYEEEEEECH!”

5. The opening handshake between the candidates is more like a first date hand holding. They both tear up a little bit.

6. Then they come out of the moment and high five and elbow bump! And the debate begins but all in rap freestyle. “My name’s Mitt Romney and I am here to say that 47% of you and freeloading and gay.” Jay-Z steps in for Obama and the whole room loses it’s shit.

7. We get straight answers to real questions like “What is your spirit animal?” and “If you could travel back in time, Coke or Pepsi?”

8. Bo Obama breaks off his lease and can’t get his nose out of Jim Lehr’s butt.

9. Romney tries desperately to relate to the everyday man and succeeds! Everyone is endeared to him as…

10. A glowing spaceship descends to take Romney to Kolob. A conga line of the former republican candidates with Obama at the tail shimmies on board. Everyone gets to meet Jesus!