Tag Archives: comedy

tell me what you really think

There are many, many things to love about New York City, but the New York City subway is not one of them. Sure, it mostly gets you from A to B relatively on time, but not without trauma and serious emotional pain. Look, there are only so many times in this lady’s life that I need to see a strangers dick mid-tug. More than zero times is far too many times.

More than a mode of transportation, the subway is an efficient parade of other peoples armpits and butts. And New Yorkers treat it just like their apartments, where armpits and butts are fine, in fact, welcomed to parade about. This weekend, I witnessed a woman assemble and consume an egg salad sandwich on the A train. What was worse, she made her adolescent son hold the slice of bread as she plopped a huge dollop of a gooey looking mayonnaise and egg concoction on to it.

Even worse, she then took her hand, which had been holding the subway pole, slapped the top slice on, and smooshed it together. Then, with that subway infected hand, transported that poor excuse for a sandwich to her mouth.

People are gross. I’d much rather watch that lady that always puts her make up, betting on which bump is going to put the eyeliner pencil right in her eyeball. Or the perennial dude cutting his nails on the G. Or better yet, none of it and take my bike.

how to deal with a troll who is also a ninja turtle who is also a wizard

Since everyone is talking about it and I have a vagina, so that means I am expert at being a woman, I have to chuck my 2 hay pennies into the roiling pot that is the internet’s reaction to Daniel Tosh.

Plenty of people have offered measured and thoughtful responses, like Curtis Luciani as well as the silly, like Louis CK’s tweet. He does have pretty eyes.

So as a vagina carrying stand-up comic, my take is that women aren’t funny but rape always is. As in let’s get back to talking about how ladies can’t crack or take a joke, and how feminism ruined everything good about the world.

What does the troll have to do with any of this? Nothing. It’s as irrelevant as this whole conversation. I just really like the fact that there is a Raphael Ninja Turtle Troll Doll who in my mind is also a wizard, because how could he not be?

what playing by some rules could get you

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I think that this whole city would run so much better if everyone, and I mean everyone, pedestrians, cyclists and motorists and the god damned city bus, would just obey traffic laws. Think about how traffic would run like a smooth BM if that truck didn’t block the box. Revel in how glorious your bike commute would be if you didn’t have to worry about pedestrians sprinting out into the bike lane or how much easier your walk from the train would be if you didn’t have to worry about a bus clipping you trying to make the light.

Now I know this sounds completely un-American. Rules! Bah! America was built on the backs of rule-breakers. The America that we know would never have happened with out all time round for round rule breakers like John Adams. “Some one open up a window!” (If you get that reference, then you have sat through the 2 hour and 46 minute epic 1972 “classic” 1776, the musical dramatization of our nations founding. And you are my kind of nerd.)

American entrepreneurship is all about telling the rules to take a big bath. I am all for that. But please, for the sake of our city, slow down for that yellow light and stay on the curb until the light changes. No, really, I saw a lady get clipped by a bus. It wasn’t pretty.

a little self promo never hurt any one

I don’t usually promote my shows or things but I am very excited about this line up and, also, I killed it on the flyer. So please, forgive the indulgence. This will be a great show. You should all come to it. Preserved in posterity for evs, or until I nuke the database on this site for a new fancier model, decrying all my past statements as juvenile trash.