When I was a little girl, Hurricane Gloria barreled down on Connecticut and even though I lived about an hour and a half inland, winds over 80 miles an hour downed trees and knocked out the power for days in my neighborhood.
Our house was one of the only ones on the block with a good sized basement and a generator, so the neighborhood gathered together there. We lost power but still had plenty of flashlights and D cell batteries to power the boom box. What did my parents do? They made a light show dance party to occupy the kids!
So here’s what you need to do survive this storm with the same kind of childlike glee I remember having as I stepped out to see the sun as the eye of the storm passed over us during Gloria.
1. Batteries! For your flashlights, boom boxes, and vibrators. We’re adults now and our idea of flashlight light show dance party is pretty different.
2. A big, long boring book to read, use as a weapon or as a sedative to make sure that you sleep. Might I suggest something Russian or by David Foster Wallace. If possible, the book should be hard cover. Those make such a satisfying noise connecting with a head.
3. 3 bags of kettle corn. One regular flavor and 2 bacon ranch. This should be self evident and is not optional if you expect to weather the hurricane with me.
4. Plenty of rubber duckies to set a float on the rising waters. It’s important to spread joy in the form of a goofy toy.
5. Plenty of actual rubbers for all that disaster sex you’re going to be having with, well, no one, since you’re hunkered down all alone in your apartment with your cat. But better to be prepared and spread joy not in the form of storm VD.
I find waking up an insufferable occasion not unlike submitting to sex for a prissy Victorian lady. I have a strategy to deal with it. I just let loose with what ever profanity, nonsense or vitriol that comes up to the top of my brain out of my mouth. Makes no one but me feel better and that, really, is all that I need.
A few choice phrases and conversation snippets I’ve said over the past few weeks:
- Waking up following the cat’s 4:30am wake up call. CAT: cagh, cagh, cagh PUKE. ME (after hitting snooze for the third time): This is total bullshit.
- ME: How you can wake up so early so effortlessly? THE MAN: I just don’t force it. ME: Oh, there are plenty of things you should force, like pooping and relationships on people. Waking up is not one of those things.
- ME: You know a much better way to wake up would be without an alarm and with a boner in my lower back. THE MAN: giggles
- ME: Fuck you cats! CATS: Fuck you! Feed us!
All told, fuck mornings. Stumble, stumble, drool.
I have made a decision. To be honest, it was a rather hard one for me. I love booze. You can tell from the history of this much neglected outlet of my brain. It’s true. It’s my one vice nowadays. We’ve had a long and storied relationship. We’ve gotten in and out of trouble with each. We’ve taken breaks before, but this time, this time, lover, it’s got to be a little longer. I have decided to go sober and celibate for 2 months. Basically, until I head to Austin for a friend’s wedding.
I made this decision after a few, ahem, mishaps. Basically, I put my vagina in some compromising positions. I woke up some places I didn’t really want to be. Nothing I felt bad about, I’m not into slut shaming or anything, but I would kind of like a real relationship. Also, when you are drunk enough not to remember, but have the presence of mind to send send yourself an email with the subject line “Stop being so slutty”, you should really listen to yourself. Getting completely swizzled and going home with people that, on a good day, I like but on a drunk one, I, shrug, guess love. This kind of behavior precludes developing a connection with anyone, let alone the guy next to me in the morning. I think that I would like one of those, a connection. Like one where I have some one to go do the stupid things I like doing with, like dress up as Spy vs. Spy and ingeniously faux murder each other all night. Or at least some one who will laugh at me while I do said stupid things, like sing “Holding out for Hero” by Bonnie Tyler in complete earnestness.
So to, whit, I started my sobriety streak Monday February 6th. It’s been a week. I’m doing alright so far. I miss it a little. The soft social lubrication it provides, but then again I don’t miss the over sharing, losing my shoes or picking puke out of my hair on a bad night.
is that i still want you to hug me.
Posted in random
i am taking my own good advice and leaving one thing behind for now. I will not be posting the daily stats here for the rest of the month. Last weeks depressing crying jag in front of the computer after an extremely long week of 4 days in a row of 15 hour days, I realized that something had to give.
I will be back with arbitrary data and not very insightful lookings into things after July 2nd.
You can find me if you care on Twitter as houseofshss.
I will miss my curated secrets but by then I will have surely accumulated more.
Posted in written