Category Archives: sketches

Hecklers know nothing about fashion

This past week marked two solid comedy milestones for me. It was my year anniversary, which in a relationship is a big deal, but in comedy, no one cares. It just matters to me that I have stuck to something for longer than my usual attention span. But the bigger accomplishment? The one that I will ever remember? Getting heckled for the first time. And not just by any run of the mill heckler. I get heckled by the most meth addled crazy diarrhea of the mouth chick named, of all things, Moe.

Moe was so off of her chain that she had to be removed from the venue. But before leaving, convinced the bouncer to let her use the bathroom and kept running at the mouth the whole time she was in the bathroom. We could hear all the crazy jabber.

Her beef with me? My dress.

Just how was she pissed about my dress? According to her I was like “Norma Dean up there”.

“Who?”

“Norma Jean – you know Marilyn Monroe with your skirt all blowing up.” You could not actually see up my skirt. I asked a room full of comics (80% men) who would have answered me truthfully, especially about something like that.

“Empire waisted bullshit” She mistook my obviously cinched waist dress for an empire waist dress. She was the only wasted. (The Empire waste was popularized during the reign of Napoleon by his wife Josephine. And no matter how thin you are, it makes you look pregnant. Doesn’t everyone know that?)

She proceeded to call me ugly. How can you be like Marilyn Monroe and be ugly? It’s a paradox only those on that good meth can understand.

The best part was being able to back handedly call her a dumb see-you-next-Tuesday and watching her removed from the venue spouting off about how there is a KKK informant in the club. Moe, please, please, please come back next week.

subject line: pork bun tour

The day after my birthday, Groundhog Day incidentally, I decided to take a silly risk. About a week or so before hand, there was this dude that had just caught my eye. During a particularly grueling open mic, I heard from the crowd, “I enjoyed that!” to another comic’s joke. I hadn’t put much into thought this guy before, but that, along with some choice remarks he made during a very bad and very racist set –

Those of you who go to shitty open mics might remember that one fateful night at Stones Mondays Happen mic with the Korean girl who got up there to run the light just to get all her Jew jokes out. Really, she even had a shirt on that said, “Shiksas do it better.”

- just pulled my interest.

I decided to send an email with a simple request for a daytime hang out. I didn’t quite know if I wanted it to be a date or not yet. After all, this was a person who just shouted out whatever came to mind and made jokes about catching fish with his hands. I didn’t know if I quite wanted to be on a date with another comedian, let alone some guy who might have the grip and physique of Kate Moss at the height of heroin chic.

It went out with the subject line, Pork Bun Tour. I got back one line, sent at 5:30 in the morning. “Hell yes.”

A few weeks later, we had a a proper date. Saw a great movie at a one of the best old theaters in the city, had drinks at a nice French place and then walked by a building on fire in the rain. And it’s been just like that since.

leaving it if only to come back to it

Thanks to KJ. I totally stole this from FB

I used to be one of those people who would leave New York City if only to come back to it. But as I have lived here longer and longer, going on 10 years, I find myself needing more time outside the city to be able to appreciate what the city is. The past two weekends, I’ve been able to get to the country if at least for the day or for the whole weekend.

Just look at the picture up there, I mean, man! It’s so nice to be able to go to a place that doesn’t smell like garbage if only to come back to it.

what playing by some rules could get you

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I think that this whole city would run so much better if everyone, and I mean everyone, pedestrians, cyclists and motorists and the god damned city bus, would just obey traffic laws. Think about how traffic would run like a smooth BM if that truck didn’t block the box. Revel in how glorious your bike commute would be if you didn’t have to worry about pedestrians sprinting out into the bike lane or how much easier your walk from the train would be if you didn’t have to worry about a bus clipping you trying to make the light.

Now I know this sounds completely un-American. Rules! Bah! America was built on the backs of rule-breakers. The America that we know would never have happened with out all time round for round rule breakers like John Adams. “Some one open up a window!” (If you get that reference, then you have sat through the 2 hour and 46 minute epic 1972 “classic” 1776, the musical dramatization of our nations founding. And you are my kind of nerd.)

American entrepreneurship is all about telling the rules to take a big bath. I am all for that. But please, for the sake of our city, slow down for that yellow light and stay on the curb until the light changes. No, really, I saw a lady get clipped by a bus. It wasn’t pretty.

a little self promo never hurt any one

I don’t usually promote my shows or things but I am very excited about this line up and, also, I killed it on the flyer. So please, forgive the indulgence. This will be a great show. You should all come to it. Preserved in posterity for evs, or until I nuke the database on this site for a new fancier model, decrying all my past statements as juvenile trash.