Daily Archives: December 9, 2012

holiday traditions or the feeling you are in a drunk time machine


It’s that time of year for holiday cheer and traditions that you can pass down for generations to come, Your uncle ranting against the “Mexicans” – to him everyone that isn’t white bread American, is a “Mexican” including white Europeans with accents. So charming, Your middle aged aunt trying desperately to keep up her youth and competing with your cousin, her daughter. “Yes, these are new this year! 36Ds! Aren’t they great! You can touch them later.” And your grandfather trying to drunken teach you how to Lindy hop despite the fact that he did that last year, and the year before and the year before that. And, really, Lindy hop? Why not something a little cooler, like West Coast swing? All of this while you are trying to keep down some overcooked ham and mac and cheese made with orange cheddar. Traditions are great! Didn’t this all happen last year?

This year, I am cultivating a few new holiday traditions of my own. I should start now to make sure that they are fully solidified before I use them to torture my future children. First, I am just going to other peoples families for the next few years. There is nothing like watching some one else’s parents faces sink in disappointment. Schadenfreudelicious! I can study them, so when the time comes, I can replicate that deep, deep wrinkle in the forehead that says, “I can’t believe we paid for college for this” without saying a single word.

Second, I am working on cultivating a sense of classism. Racism isn’t going to cool that much longer, but it’s always going to be ok to hate on the poor! My idea of charity is going to be making sure that no child goes with out a set of ALF pogs this holiday season.

Lastly, I’m truly cultivating my high functioning alcoholism. If there’s anything that I have learned all these years of knocked over trees and stupid wet Christmas tea towel fights, is that a controlled drunk is the best kind. You get to walk out of there with a serious buzz and your sense of superiority intact. Even if your ass is wet from getting slapped with a reindeer towel.