obligatory gift guide post


It’s the beginning of suicide…I mean holiday season! I really meant holiday season, not like I’m estranged from my family and hate to go home because of the drinking  followed by the neck wringing that ensues, or anything. Nothing good ever follows a few middle aged aunts polishing off an entire magnum sized bottle of Yellow Tail Shiraz. Nothing.

So with these happy holiday memories in mind, here’s a nifty guide to help you choose just the right gifts for every member of your clan from slightly slow second cousin Claire to the sister you never knew you had until your father revealed his secret second family at last year’s Christmas. There’s a gift for every one, even those that are especially hard to shop for.


For the not-so-man in your life, you know that guy that just lurks around the edges of your social circle and mouth breathes on you at the weekly happy hour? For him, I suggest a full sized Japanese body pillow. It says, “I care about your loneliness but only in as so far as this gift helps you stay away from me.”


Your parents deserve a chance at coital bliss now that you are out of the house. Empty nest syndrome? More like “we be doing it now that we can’t have babies no more syndrome!” Am I right, my middle aged readers? (Of which there are none of you) Be completely appropriate this holiday season and get your parents an anal training kit! You know they never tried that while you in the house for fear of the noise! They’ll love it especially with this 50 gallon tub of lube!


For your alcoholic aunt, nothing says that you love her than getting her a few months supply of pee pads! We’ve all been there. Those times when you’re so drunk, you just forget that you didn’t get out of bed, think you are in the bathroom and just pee the bed. What? You haven’t been there? Maybe I do have a problem. Nah! Probably not! This is totally normal behavior. You can get a great deal on the aptly named GoodNites on Amazon!


For the passive aggressive lady in your office who sometimes you just wish would speak her fucking mind and shove her back handed compliments up her butt, this useful and hilarious set of Talk to the Hand post-its! Nothing says, “I don’t give a shit about your personally” than giving office supplies.


Finally, for YOU an illegal prescription for Xanax. Seriously, how else will you make it through your Uncle Kenneth’s racist diatribes at family dinner. Treat yourself, down one of these with a glass of nice red wine and blissfully zone out. “What’s that you said Uncle Ken? About Obama being a monkey in the White House just throwing shit at the walls until something sticks? I thought you finally were congratulating me on finishing up grad school.” Isn’t Xanax just the best?

Happy holidays! Try not to fuck it up too much!

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