Monthly Archives: October 2012

Hurricane Schmandy! Am I right! Ways to party down tonight!

When I was a little girl, Hurricane Gloria barreled down on Connecticut and even though I lived about an hour and a half inland, winds over 80 miles an hour downed trees and knocked out the power for days in my neighborhood.

Our house was one of the only ones on the block with a good sized basement and a generator, so the neighborhood gathered together there. We lost power but still had plenty of flashlights and D cell batteries to power the boom box. What did my parents do? They made a light show dance party to occupy the kids!

So here’s what you need to do survive this storm with the same kind of childlike glee I remember having as I stepped out to see the sun as the eye of the storm passed over us during Gloria.

1. Batteries! For your flashlights, boom boxes, and vibrators. We’re adults now and our idea of flashlight light show dance party is pretty different.

2. A big, long boring book to read, use as a weapon or as a sedative to make sure that you sleep. Might I suggest something Russian or by David Foster Wallace. If possible, the book should be hard cover. Those make such a satisfying noise connecting with a head.

3. 3 bags of kettle corn. One regular flavor and 2 bacon ranch. This should be self evident and is not optional if you expect to weather the hurricane with me.

4. Plenty of rubber duckies to set a float on the rising waters. It’s important to spread joy in the form of a goofy toy.

5. Plenty of actual rubbers for all that disaster sex you’re going to be having with, well,  no one, since you’re hunkered down all alone in your apartment with your cat. But better to be prepared and spread joy not in the form of storm VD.

what does your captcha say about you

 

So what if I have a shy bladder

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I once heard about this Japanese toilet for lades that had buttons to play both soothing and distracting sounds to cover up the sound of their urinating. I thought to myself, “Oh my God! How can I get my hands on one of these or at least a machine that can distract me from the fact that I am pissing mere inches from another person!”

I’ve always had a shy bladder. A wallflower of a piss pot. A shrinking violet at the urination ball. When I would go camping with my family, instead of peeing in the woods right next to the tent like a real outdoorsman, I had to bundle up and trek the 12 minute walk in the pitch dark to the toilets at the camp ground. 12 minutes in the dark for a 12 year old girl who has read far too much Encyclopedia Brown is a long damn time. It’s always been something of a challenge for me to relax that way.

I’m not exaggerating. When 9/11 happened, my reaction to it was to have a panic attack that manifested itself with me not being able to evacuate my bladder for almost a full day. I tried everything, running water, taking a warm bath, thinking of the ocean, listening to Billy Ocean. Nothing worked. I had to have my friends take me to the emergency room, fully thinking that I would have to get a catheter. Instead, I got into the exam room, the pain starting to spread up to my kidneys, and I finally was able to let it go. All over myself.

So, when I moved to New York, one of the first bars that I went is the now defunct Mars Bar. This bar had a bathroom so gross that if you touched anything you’d end up with Hepatitis C. I knew, KNEW, that I had to figure out how to get over this AND learn how to piss standing up. I am pretty sure that the only reason that all New York women take yoga is so that they get good at squatting to piss. There are far better ways to stay in shape without having to do something called the downward dog in public. I didn’t take yoga but I learned how to relax and piss standing up.

My shy bladder is now the bell of the pissing ball. I’ve peed at the top of a seven story abandoned radio tower in Berlin, in the fake planter of an office complex at 4am, in the woods of Prospect Park, in an alley on the South Side of Chicago. I guess I owe New York City that. It literally scared the piss out of me.

so the final debate is tonight, here’s the ten things you should be doing

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I’m going to get you bear.

Here’s somethings you should be doing either during, instead of or could do at anytime really.

1. Rooting for the underdog! That means Ron Paul! You know that you should just write him in as a candidate. Him as president would just be the tits. He’s like an ersatz Ross Perot.

2. Keep an eye out for the key that winds up MItt Romney. People say that he’s a robot. I think it’s more sinister and more old-timey than that. He’s just clockwork with 2 settings, smarmy and smug.

3. Kicking any one in the crotch who says that they are still undecided. Seriously, at this point, if you haven’t made up your goddamned mind you deserve to get kicked in the taint.

4. Ask about Obama’s birth certificate, again! It’s never too early to bring back 2008!

5. Show your tits (if you have them) every time either one of the candidates dodges a question. Why not treat the debate like Mardi Gras? Then every one gets a treat!

6. Pretend to be undecided. Watch your liberal New York friends have heart attacks as they try to swing your vote.

7. Wish that swing state was an actual physical state that you could be in. For me it would be being on the best tire swing, eating Cool Ranch Doritos, and then going through the car wash not in a car.

8. Get some fucking sleep. You need it more than these guys need the ratings bump.

9. Imagine both candidates with Rachel Maddow’s haircut and try not to snarf your gin and tonic out your nose. Which leads me to number…

10. Drink like there is no tomorrow! I’m pretty sure that the Mayan’s were right and the world is over this year so who cares if you roll into work hung over on Tuesday. Your boss probably, but if Romney wins you better get used to hiding your hangovers because booze is going to be the only way to get through these next grim, regressive four years.

5 ways to face the world in the morning

Or how I get out the door from a jumble of sleepy pieces in one! Why is that interesting? Because they might be strange, they also might be things that you do in the morning or they might be things you want to do in the morning. Either way, here’s how I start my day right!

1. Kick the damned cat off of my face! She has three legs, is full of piss and vinegar and wants to be fed at 6:30am, which is not the time I want to get up at all. Her preferred method of rousing me is biting my forehead just at the crown of my hair. It’s so specific. Does that part of my head taste like tuna?

2. Turn off my white noise machine. I know, it sounds fussy, but how else can I cover up the sound of Dr. Who episodes and porn from my roommate? Use headphones! Bah! Listening to porn or Dr. Who with headphones on makes you look like a real pervert.

3. Make a big ass French press full of coffee. This is fussy. But my coffee is one thing that I do not eff around with.

4. Drink that coffee in the shower! Just like a cold beer after a long run is great in the shower, hot coffee when you are running late to work is the only way to both get clean and caffeinated in one 15 minute span.

5. Think about making my bed. Mom always insisted. Now instead of doing it, I just feel guilty about.

And then I am out the door most days on my bike or chasing after the damned B62 bus that always seems to come just for me to miss it.