I find waking up an insufferable occasion not unlike submitting to sex for a prissy Victorian lady. I have a strategy to deal with it. I just let loose with what ever profanity, nonsense or vitriol that comes up to the top of my brain out of my mouth. Makes no one but me feel better and that, really, is all that I need.
A few choice phrases and conversation snippets I’ve said over the past few weeks:
- Waking up following the cat’s 4:30am wake up call. CAT: cagh, cagh, cagh PUKE. ME (after hitting snooze for the third time): This is total bullshit.
- ME: How you can wake up so early so effortlessly? THE MAN: I just don’t force it. ME: Oh, there are plenty of things you should force, like pooping and relationships on people. Waking up is not one of those things.
- ME: You know a much better way to wake up would be without an alarm and with a boner in my lower back. THE MAN: giggles
- ME: Fuck you cats! CATS: Fuck you! Feed us!
All told, fuck mornings. Stumble, stumble, drool.