The man and I took a trip out the the wilds of New Jersey to see Marc Maron. Yes, it was worth, if not for the stand up, then for the experience I am about to recount.
We took NJ Transit out there. Seeing as the man is pretty tall, we sat in the set of seats that have another set of seats facing them. Of course a pair of sanctimonious Elizabeth living lesbians have to make an uncomfortable ride awkward by plunking down right across from us. Having a bony old lady knee basically at my crotch made me so thankful that the train ride was smooth.
As we got on our way, after sitting in the tunnel for 30 minutes, the grayed harridan with lips in a permanent state of pursing, pulled out Paleo magazine. The tag line, “Modern Day Primal Living”. It took every fiber in me not to reach across to her, pull down the magazine and say, “When did you stop using soap?” I had to text the man next to me about them because there was no way that I could have survived the ride without saying something.
Then I just had to look up the magazine online and what do I get hit with, a give away for a thing called the Squatty Potty. Basically, this thing turns your nice, relatively comfy bathroom experience into something more like squatting over a hole in the ground in Vietnam. I bet you would love to win a device that makes an already kind of humiliating experience even more awkward, kind of like shoving your knees in between a strangers for an hour long train ride. I don’t know about you, but the only time I like my knees anywhere near my ears, is when I am on my back, getting plowed.
The comments on the give away where priceless. Here are my choice favorites:
From Holly G “Curious and curiouser. Every time I see one of these I wonder why mankind ever evolved from this method…” Really?
From JJ: “I thought this was a joke when I first saw the pic, but it actually looks very beneficial.” I still think it’s a joke.
from kevin “What’s the best strategy for explaining this to guests? Pre-emptive, or let them figure it out?” Kind of like your sex swing right? I say just let’em figure it out.
I once went on a date with a guy who read an article about paleolithic man and self cleaning, so he stopped using soap and washing his hair. When we were done with our drinks and he asked to see me again, I replied, “We don’t have to do that again.”